And this week: Bewbs!

Afternoon Book Clubbers!

This week I am bringing you a review of the critically *cough* acclaimed men's magazine, Nuts.

The 26 October 2012 issue promises an "All-New Danica Shoot!". Danica (is that Dan - icker or Da-neeka - I dunno), according to the text box on her left booby is from "Celeb BB!" (Translation: Celebrity Big Brother). Celebrity?? Don't get too excited girls, they haven't actually shot her - just taken some tasteless and hilariously ill-posed photos of her in, and occasionally not in,  tacky underwear.

The first article inside is actually a Skyfall Special. Let's see...we've got an interview with Daniel Craig. Probably the last time we are going to hear from a sophisticated male then. I expect most readers would skip this bit and head straight to da bewbies but I gave it a good once over (look out) - just to critique their interviewing style you understand.

Sigh, compared to other interviews I have seen with Mr. Craig in more reputable publications (namely, Empire) I was sorely disappointed. There aren't even any hot pics of the new Q to take my mind off the crapness of it. The interviewer was clearly also impatient to see Danica's nipples because a six-year-old could have come up with more interesting questions. And it's like they told Daniel - "If you could just be as macho and brainless as possible, that would be great!". Appalling grammar, boring content and - if you could just lower your expectations a little more, I'll turn the page...

Of course no self-respecting spunk rag could include a Skyfall Special without featuring a double page spread of a scantily-clad Bond Girl. They have put in a few pics of the really quite pretty Berenice Marlohe. Check out this accompanying text though, it really made me lol...

"You may not have caught her past classics Pas De Secrets Entre Nous or the TV series Equipe Medicale D'Urgence..."

Of COURSE they haven't "caught" these "classics"..they're in FRENCH! Got a lot of French readers have you Nuts? Got a lot of Francophone readers in your home market? No?? You surprise me.

And get this - Berenice is "maybe surprisingly the sixth oldest [Bond girl] at 33 and definitely one of the hottest". Erm, why do we need to know that she is the sixth oldest? And WHY is it surprising? This stinks of I-couldn't-think-what-to-write-and-was-a-bit-stuck-for-facts-about-this-obscure-actress. There's more Skyfall drivel. Don't bother with it. Just go watch the film. It really is a good movie and this "Special" doesn't do it justice so just go! Gogogogogo...I'll still be here when you get back.

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So - did you like it? Good huh? Back to the mockery...

Nuts News features "8 amazing stratos jump facts". Basically, Nuts are unsurprisingly gay for Baumgartner and this is yet more hero worship of that 'complete twazzock what jumped out a plane'. If it is not already crystal clear what I think of that doughnut - please refer to my rant in my previous blog post.

Oh hey! Did you know "The Chinese zodiac has been bestowing years on arbitrary animals since the Han Dynasty of 203BC"? Oop somebody has wikipeed... What's that Mr Nuts-Reader? You don't care?? They just wrote that to try and introduce an article about Rosie Jones's (whose?) 2013 calendar? Well I suppose there have to be some words...otherwise this "exclusive" is just a load of gratuitous nude pics of another fit unknown.

Up next some piffle and spaff about a video game. Then - oh yeah - THEN they do a double page spread of snippets from Sean Lock's new stand-up show. I have nothing against Sean Lock. He's a funny guy but clearly Nuts were stuck for funny material of their own and had to basically just chav other people's and stick it in as some sort of non-porny filler.  I think that's just about the last of the non-titty related stories so let's see what's next...

Hahaha I have just counted how many pages I have left and we are only up to page 24 of 75-odd. (Yeah, I didn't prepare this blog post at all...). Now I realise I would be pushing it to ask for your attention for another 50 pages of textual deconstruction (50 more pages - really!?). So I will just tell you this. Not including the smutty classifieds at the back, I counted no less than 142 pairs of tits from this point in. Most of these are courtesy of Danica and her friends in the poorly named "101 Topless TV Stars!" (...who nobody has ever heard of).

The other articles of note are the problem pages and the confessions - which I shall save for another post because they are just too funny.

One more thing - whoever you girls are who are texting in pics of yourselves in your underwear for the pervs at Nuts to dribble over - STOP IT! It's not sexy okay?