And this week: Bewbs!

Afternoon Book Clubbers!

This week I am bringing you a review of the critically *cough* acclaimed men's magazine, Nuts.

The 26 October 2012 issue promises an "All-New Danica Shoot!". Danica (is that Dan - icker or Da-neeka - I dunno), according to the text box on her left booby is from "Celeb BB!" (Translation: Celebrity Big Brother). Celebrity?? Don't get too excited girls, they haven't actually shot her - just taken some tasteless and hilariously ill-posed photos of her in, and occasionally not in,  tacky underwear.

The first article inside is actually a Skyfall Special. Let's see...we've got an interview with Daniel Craig. Probably the last time we are going to hear from a sophisticated male then. I expect most readers would skip this bit and head straight to da bewbies but I gave it a good once over (look out) - just to critique their interviewing style you understand.

Sigh, compared to other interviews I have seen with Mr. Craig in more reputable publications (namely, Empire) I was sorely disappointed. There aren't even any hot pics of the new Q to take my mind off the crapness of it. The interviewer was clearly also impatient to see Danica's nipples because a six-year-old could have come up with more interesting questions. And it's like they told Daniel - "If you could just be as macho and brainless as possible, that would be great!". Appalling grammar, boring content and - if you could just lower your expectations a little more, I'll turn the page...

Of course no self-respecting spunk rag could include a Skyfall Special without featuring a double page spread of a scantily-clad Bond Girl. They have put in a few pics of the really quite pretty Berenice Marlohe. Check out this accompanying text though, it really made me lol...

"You may not have caught her past classics Pas De Secrets Entre Nous or the TV series Equipe Medicale D'Urgence..."

Of COURSE they haven't "caught" these "classics"..they're in FRENCH! Got a lot of French readers have you Nuts? Got a lot of Francophone readers in your home market? No?? You surprise me.

And get this - Berenice is "maybe surprisingly the sixth oldest [Bond girl] at 33 and definitely one of the hottest". Erm, why do we need to know that she is the sixth oldest? And WHY is it surprising? This stinks of I-couldn't-think-what-to-write-and-was-a-bit-stuck-for-facts-about-this-obscure-actress. There's more Skyfall drivel. Don't bother with it. Just go watch the film. It really is a good movie and this "Special" doesn't do it justice so just go! Gogogogogo...I'll still be here when you get back.

--

--

So - did you like it? Good huh? Back to the mockery...

Nuts News features "8 amazing stratos jump facts". Basically, Nuts are unsurprisingly gay for Baumgartner and this is yet more hero worship of that 'complete twazzock what jumped out a plane'. If it is not already crystal clear what I think of that doughnut - please refer to my rant in my previous blog post.

Oh hey! Did you know "The Chinese zodiac has been bestowing years on arbitrary animals since the Han Dynasty of 203BC"? Oop somebody has wikipeed... What's that Mr Nuts-Reader? You don't care?? They just wrote that to try and introduce an article about Rosie Jones's (whose?) 2013 calendar? Well I suppose there have to be some words...otherwise this "exclusive" is just a load of gratuitous nude pics of another fit unknown.

Up next some piffle and spaff about a video game. Then - oh yeah - THEN they do a double page spread of snippets from Sean Lock's new stand-up show. I have nothing against Sean Lock. He's a funny guy but clearly Nuts were stuck for funny material of their own and had to basically just chav other people's and stick it in as some sort of non-porny filler.  I think that's just about the last of the non-titty related stories so let's see what's next...

Hahaha I have just counted how many pages I have left and we are only up to page 24 of 75-odd. (Yeah, I didn't prepare this blog post at all...). Now I realise I would be pushing it to ask for your attention for another 50 pages of textual deconstruction (50 more pages - really!?). So I will just tell you this. Not including the smutty classifieds at the back, I counted no less than 142 pairs of tits from this point in. Most of these are courtesy of Danica and her friends in the poorly named "101 Topless TV Stars!" (...who nobody has ever heard of).

The other articles of note are the problem pages and the confessions - which I shall save for another post because they are just too funny.

One more thing - whoever you girls are who are texting in pics of yourselves in your underwear for the pervs at Nuts to dribble over - STOP IT! It's not sexy okay?

Ranting| Felix Baumgartner is a douche...

Last week, the world went crazy when one douchebag decided to jump FROM THE EDGE OF SPACE with nothing but a parachute. Now, I know this will sound like I am just insanely jealous but I think Baumgartner is a complete dime bar.

What is his job? Well, according to Wikipedia he is a skydiver, daredevil and BASE jumper (you apparently have to write it like that - "BASE"). So basically, he gets paid shit loads of money to fall off stuff. Hmmm. I fall over frequently, I walk into doors, and I do that weird thing where I accidentally take an extra step on the staircase at home or miss the last step. Do I get paid for these things? No! Admittedly, I wouldn't throw myself off a cliff or anything - not intentionally anyway. And I don't think we should really be encouraging people in that...

I mean, the only difference, in my opinion anyway, between daredevilling (yeah, that's a verb!) and suicide is the intention to survive. Well, I have an idea, if you want to survive, how about you DON'T jump out of a pod on the edge of space. Okay, I know he did survive and everything, and that it's a great feat of - what? - Science? Human Survival? So he's a record-breaker. Well. Done.

He might be hot and have a very cute name but he is clearly nuts. Also, as my brother said, he would have earnt a lot more cool points if he had said some clever last words:

"One small step for MAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."

Boo's Notes| GCSE Practice Questions - "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E L James

Boo Exam Board GCSE English Literatrure (Higher Lever) Exam 1 - Summer 2013

Fifty Shades of Grey

Answer part (a) and either part (b) or part (c).

You are advised to spend 20 minutes on part (a), and about 40 minutes on part (b) or part (c).

Read the extract. Then answer the following question:

(a) With close reference to the extract, show how E L James represents the "fifty shades" of Christian Grey's character here.                                                                                                        [10 marks]

(b) How does E L James' representation of Christian Grey throughout the novel affect your feelings towards him?

(c) "A real man loves his woman whatever time of the month it is". To what extent do you agree with this statement?

[EXTRACT]
"I don't remember anyone but my family ever being mad at me. I like it." He runs the tips of his fingers down my cheek. Oh my, his proximity, his delicious Christian smell. We're supposed to be talking, but my heart is pounding, my blood singing as it courses through my body, desire, pooling, unfurling... everywhere. Christian bends and runs his nose along my shoulder and up to the base of my ear, his fingers slipping into my hair. "We should talk." I whisper.

"Later."

"I want you," he breathes.I moan and reach up and grasp his arms."Are you bleeding?" He continues to kiss me.Holy Fuck. Does nothing slip by him?"Yes," I whisper, embarrassed."Do you have cramps?""No." I flush.

He stops and looks down at me."Did you take your pill?""Yes." How mortifying is this?

He takes me into the bathroom which is two rooms, all aquamarines and white limestone. It's huge - In the second room a sunken bath, big enough for four people with stone steps that lead into it, is slowly filling with water. Steam rises gently above the foam, and I notice a stone seat all the way around.

[...] "When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err... yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.

Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

Payday Wishlist

Payday is nearly upon us (woohoo!).

Here are a few of the books I am hoping to buy, beg, borrow or hopefully otherwise acquire:

Title: Bring up the Bodies

Author: Hilary Mantel

Why I want it: This book won this year's Man Booker prize and to see what all the fuss is about

Title: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Author: Stephen Chbosky

Why I want it: I saw the film trailer and thought it looked like a cool story but one should always read the book before seeing the film!

Title: Dodger

Author: Terry Pratchett

Why I want it: It's by Terry Pratchett...nuff said!

Title: Is It Just Me?

Author: Miranda Hart

Why I want it: Because it's NOT just her...

 

Boo's Reviews| Quite Interesting Creatures

What do you think when you see something described as "Remarkable"? I think it is an understated, Victorian gentleman way of saying "OMGz0rs - you HAVE to see THIS!". No? Just me then...

Remarkable Creatures by Tracy Chevalier is not the kind of book I usually like to read. It is a historical novel but does not, like the other historical novels I have read, involve war, romance or passion of any kind. Oh no, this book is much more high brow.

I didn't look up anything about this novel before I strated to read it and it was only when I Wikipedia'd it at about Chapter 6 that I discovered that it's (loosely) based on a true story. The plot is a sort of "before they were famous" story of Mary Anning and Elizabeth Philpott. (Who?). Only two of the greatest fossilists of all time! (Yup - fossilists...*wince*).

I sense I might be losing you slightly at this juncture so let me just give you a quick whizz through the main plot points.

Mary Anning is a poor, uneducated girl from Lyme Regis and Elizabth Philpott is an upper-class London spinster fallen on slightly hard times; forcing her to move to the same town. Mary collects "curies" (short for "curiosities" or fossils) from the beaches at Lyme and sells them to tourists without fully understanding what they are. Elizabeth becomes interested in fossil collecting and, with her education, begins to analyse the specimens they find and raise questions as to the kind of creatures they belonged to. Then (what feels like a gazillion years later) Mary finds a complete monster, digs it up, sells it to a rich man. He puts it in a museum, loads of important scientists (all men) study it and start to ask the same questions as Elizabeth. Thus begins a lot of hoo-hah between creationists and scientists (this is before Darwin). The rest of the novel is about Elizabeth struggling to help Mary get the recognition she deserves from the science world.

Bored? I told you it was high-brow!

You need to persevere until Mary finds the monster. Then things start to get more interesting. I have to say, I started to engage with the story a lot more once I realised it was based in truth BUT it was still a chore. I won't lie.

Well, that's about all of the negative out of the way. It probably says more about me than anything else; I found it dull because it dealt with issues such as progress, scientific understanding, the "limiting" nature of religion, feminism, creationism, other -isms... It lacked the visceral, vital, soulful qualities that usually excite me (sex, violence, rock & roll \m/).

The positives - What IS remarkable is Chevalier's writing. She must have had to do so much research to pack as much into this novel as she does. It's not a particularly hefty book! Her attention to detail really made the scenery come alive and that was what kept my attention. She does have the enviable ability to immerse her readers in the history and she really makes it easy to imagine yourself there with the characters that she describes so well. Chevalier's character portraits were so rich in detail that they were almost dickensian! The only problem was that I found it so hard to relate to them, Again, that might just be my problem and nothing to do with the way it was written. I felt like I - to use a geeky Harry Potter reference - had fallen into Dumbledore's Pensieve and was watching Elizabeth and Mary's actual memories being replayed. A compliment attesting to the rich imagery Chevalier evokes but a criticism also - due to the feeling that I was watching from a distance, and never truly felt any empathy for the characters, nor any familiarity.

On a scale of not-at-all-interesting to remarkable, I would say that this novel achieves QI status. It is quite interesting but not so much so that I would read it again in a hurry. I will definitely be sampling some more of Tracy's work though because I think it was definitely the subject matter that was the turn-off and I was blown away by her writing style. Your recommendations for Chevalier novels would be most welcome - leave me a comment if you've got a good'un!

Read this if you love: Ross Gellar from F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Paleontology, philosophical discussions on religion and science???

Poem| Geeky Love

This is a quick little poem, penned by mine own fair hand for my lovely boyfriend who has a penchant for computer games and Warhammer (/facedesk).

Love is icky, love is weird

Love is letting you grow a beard

Love is fluffy, love is cute

Love is you playing your xbox on mute

And when you want to play hobby

With your weird “Space Marines”

Love is cooking you dinner

And leaving you be

Space Marine Bex0r

Silliness| What Rhymes with "Orange"?

So my brother, Pete, challenged me to write a rhyme with the word "Orange"... and then this happened:

Whhhheeeen thhheee

Moon hits your eye like a Satsuma pie that's

Amorange

When a fruit is so dull that you think you might die that's

A borange

Winnie-the-Pooh's favourite fruit? He has such a sweet tooth...its

Eeyorange

If you love fruit so much that you can't get enough ask for

Morange

When you find a big jaffa in charge of a group its

A commodorange

When he calls for attack from his troops at the back he wages

Warange

For the purposes of which i think he has lit some

Nitroglycorange

Its getting quite silly now so I'll just say this please

Rememborange

That all of these words as you clearly can see rhyme with

ORANGE

The Very Hungry Caterpillar - The Untold Story

For Ben:

Cyril was a caterpillar. Cyril had no friends. You may have heard of him.

This brave caterpillar, previously unable to discuss his difficult experiences has finally decided to come clean about his recent weight-loss in allowing Becky Boo's Book Club to publish this EXCLUSIVE heart-warming story.

Previously Cyril had a court super-injunction in force which was broken by Eric Carle who took liberties with Cyril's trust and published a tell-all book about his weight problem.

Originally called "Lepidopteral Obesity - A Caterpillar's Struggle" this book was later renamed to the much more catchy "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and published in at least 40 languages, much to Cyril's distress.

A victim of constant bullying from other caterpillars in his neighbourhood, Cyril took to eating for comfort and, after a particularly voracious week, found himself the subject of nosy parker Eric Carle's attentions. Eric had never seen a caterpillar behave in such a way and said that he was using Cyril, without permission, as a "nature study".

According to Cyril "Carle didn't help me to address my weight gain, nor did he help me to understand the psychological reasons behind it. In fact, he encouraged me to eat more and more until I could no longer identify with my own species".

Cyril - 2004

Cyril had a hard start in life, he was born with very unusual features and only six tiny legs. His entire back was covered in prickles, he had very large ears - akin to those of a rabbit, and suffered greatly from cataracts in his overlarge eyes. Looking back, Cyril believes that all of these factors contributed to his low self esteem and, eventually, his appetite.

So what's new? Well! Becky Boo's Book Club can exclusively report that Cyril has undergone a startling transformation following ground-breaking treatment from the Harley Street Clinic for Caterpillars. 

The treatment:

6 weeks of nibbling tiny holes in leaves as his only food intake

15 days in a silken sleeping bag

The addition of wings

A radical sex change

Yes, it may seem mad but Cyril, now known as Cecile, maintains that this treatment has had a lasting effect on his health and happiness. 

Cyril explains - "By only allowing yourself to nibble a tiny hole in each leaf, you are fooling your body into thinking that it is eating more whilst it is actually breaking down the poly-saturates stored in your blood stream. The next stage is to, effectively, hibernate. This is because, after 6 weeks of starvation, you will not be able to stand, six legs or no! The next stage is to grow, or otherwise obtain, a pair of wings. Because they're pretty. Also, you will find that you will suddenly pay much more attention to your weight once you have wings. Lastly, the sex change. This is necessary because it has long been proven that women do not "get fat" they simply become "curvier" - which is not quite the same."

Cecile (nee "Cyril") - NOW

Cecile's happiness just goes to show what a few simple lifestyle changes can do. Beat obesity - with leaves, hibernation, wings and femininity!

If you are a caterpillar and have been affected by Cecile's story - please write in with an appropriate picture of you looking fat and ugly so that we can exploit you too!

© Becky Boo's Book Club 2012

Boo's Reviews| "We will become fossils, trapped upon beach forever"

Apologies for the long absence...way to go to kill a blog off in its first few weeks!

I am reading a new book and it is taking me aaaagggees. It's not particularly arduous but it's just a bit meh so far.

It's this book by Tracey Chevalier...

I am reading this book by Tracey Chevalier (she of "The Girl with the Pearl Earring" fame) and it is taking me aaaagggees. It's not particularly arduous but it's just a bit 'meh' so far.

I actually nearly gave up on it but it is suddenly getting quite good. It's about errr fossils. Yeah...

Not as dull as it sounds, I promise!

I will post a full review the moment I am done.

Just keep reading...just keep reading... ;-)