The Leyland Mini - enough to bring a tear to a manboy's eye.
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1) Remove all loose items from the car.
2) Remove all objects from your pockets.
3) Remove/ loosen all tight-fitting clothing.
4) Appoint the 2 people who will be sitting in the back, whom we shall call Passengers 1 and 2.
5) Open all the car doors.
6) Fold both front seats down as far as possible which you should find is approximately 7 centimetres.
Passenger 1
7) Raise one leg.
8) Stretch it out in front of you and hop towards the door of the side that you are intending to get in.
9) Wiggle your leg over as far as it will go to the opposite side.
10) When you have that one leg in, bend at the waist and touch your nose to your knees.
11) Use your hands to steady yourself and ease your head, shoulders and arse in through the door frame.
12) Sit down on the back seat.
13) Unfurl yourself so that you are sitting with your bum on the seat, one leg inside the car, one leg outside the car.
14) Retrieve your other leg from outside the car.
15) There will be nowhere to put your other leg inside the car so you will have to curl it around the seat in front of you, between the door and the front seat.
16) Congratulations, you're in - check all your vital signs and that you are still in possession of all your main faculties - touch, sight, hearing, etc.
Now laugh unkindly as you watch Passenger 2 repeat steps 7 - 16.
Passenger 2
Repeat steps 7 - 16.
Passengers 1 & 2
Once you are both in, you are likely to feel hot and, depending on how well your loosened trousers have held up and how well you know each other, a little embarrassed.
Do not worry. This is completely normal. Simply grit your teeth, smile and avert your eyes.
Passenger 3
It's your turn...
17) CAREFULLY fold the 2 front seats back up. (I think "fold" is probably the wrong word since they don't go down far enough to be "folded" but you know what I mean).
18) Following much the same method as Passengers 1 and 2, you're going to need to aim as though your planning to put your "junk" in the glove box.
19) When you have fully aligned yourself with the glove box, jerk your pelvis backward and bring your knees up until your butt finds the seat.
20) Then gingerly settle back into the enveloping thighs of the passenger behind you.
Top Tip: Fold your arms because the driver is about to get in and you will suddenly find you have nowhere safe to put them.
Finally, it's time for the Driver to take his position...
Driver
21) You will need to return all the items that the Passengers removed from their pockets and persons. That way you can be sure that they will have the 20p they will need to pay you for the petrol.
22) You will also need to replace all the loose items that were removed from the car in Step 1. You will need to store these items in the remaining nooks and crannies, if you can find any, around your Passengers. Often times, you may need to make use of each Passenger's lap, hands, shoulders and possibly even mouths.
Top Tip: When selecting your Passengers try, where possible, to find thin people with a tiny bit of podge which can cushion them from the objects which will undoubtedly end up being packed around them.
23) GENTLY close all the doors except the one on the Driver's side.
24) Follow a similar method to Passenger 3, this time aiming your crotch toward the steering wheel.
25) Once in, make sure that you can reach all the pedals.
I say "reach"...reaching them should not be a problem as such, it's more the angle at which your feet are when you try to press them. At the very least, please make sure you can successfully, and with minimal discomfort, press the brake pedal. It is unlikely that you will need to use the brake pedal all that much because most of the time, it will be enough for each of your passengers to simply extend a hand through the window and "paddle" in the opposite direction.
Oh wait - you can't open the back windows?
Brake it is then...
26) Check that everyone is still able to breathe.
27) Close your car door.
28) Waggle the gear stick. I don't know why. I don't drive. This is just something that I see my Dad do before he turns the engine on.
29) ALL PASSENGERS: I hope you feel that you know each other a little better by now because the next step is a little intimate. You are going to need to explore the flesh of the person next to you in order to find the socket for your seat belt, if you are lucky enough to be given the option of having one.
Passenger 3 and the Driver may be lucky enough not to have to dig around in the other person's flesh but don't count on it.
30) Check that you are all able to breathe and agree never to mention how cosy you all got.
Commence countdown, engines on. Off you go...
Further Tips for your Journey
DO NOT lean into corners.
DO be as lightweight as possible.
DO bring a snorkel with you so that you can more effectively suck in air through the gap in the back window.
DO sit on a hemorrhoid pillow to try and combat getting booted up the backside every few seconds by what is laughably called "The Suspension".
DO strap another hemorrhoid pillow to your head for the same reason. The roof of the car is very low!
DO NOT fart!
And finally...
REMEMBER: What happens in the Mini, STAYS in the Mini!
