We follow the plucky Mouse as he retraces the steps he took on that fateful day when he discovered The Gruffalo.
Milo, for that is The Mouse's real name, strides into the wood with enviable nonchalance. He begins by picking his way along the side of the marked footpath before veering off towards the fox's den where he met his one time enemy Felipe. Unfortunately, the Fox has been so ridiculed by the community for his apparent stupidity in falling for Milo's tricks that he has been unable to get a decent meal for weeks. Unwanted celebrity has not brought him any fortune so he has left for America where, he is reliably informed, the streets are made of cheese. As everyone knows, foxes are really quite partial to cheese...
Swaggering past Felipe's former residence, Milo recounts how he courageously avoided The Fox's jaws and instead thought up the story about the Gruffalo. His over-confident demeanour falters just slightly when he is questioned as to how he thought of the Gruffalo and whether he really knew that one existed.
Soon enough we happen upon the Owl's house but, alas, he is not home. Oswald the Owl was once known in these parts for his superior wisdom having once belonged to a wizard. He prided himself on knowing everyone and everything in these woods and did not suffer fools gladly. People from miles around used to come to seek his counsel but, since the whole Gruffalo affair, he hasn't had any custom. Instead he has suffered a bout of depression brought on by a loss in confidence and has flown away to Hogwarts where he is now working as a post-owl (Editor's note: That is to say "post" as in "postman", not "post" as in "posterior"/ or "post-war").
In keeping with the predictable, repetitive nature of these kinds of stories, it doesn't surprise us to find that The Snake has also fled. Although it appears in this instance that The Mouse was right to think Simeon the Snake is an idiot. Apparently he is well known for his stupidity and has fallen for an Egyptian Snake Charmer who has whisked him off to Sharm-el-Sheikh.
As we pass this last checkpoint on the way to meet the terrifying Gruffalo, it is interesting to see that Milo has lost some of his bold stature and in fact seems to be backing away whilst gesturing us towards the cave.
Our hearts in our mouths, we make a hesitant move towards the beast's lair. Before we have even reached the opening, an enormous roar almost knocks us backwards. We all jump and topple against one another like dominoes. Wiping the monster's spittle from our faces and the sweat from our brows, we proceed, with renewed caution. Our less-than-gracious host appears to have beaten a hasty retreat and is nowhere to be seen.
With one swift step we are inside the mouth of the cave. We hold fast through another few ripping roars and then we finally find the torch. Casting it around quickly - we get a real sense of the decrepitude that this beast lives in. There is not a single piece of furniture. Not even the cheap kind from Ikea. No wallpaper, nothing. Just two glowing orange orbs in the darkness at the back of the cave. As we steel ourselves for the final, and they do seem likely to be final, steps - we are stopped in our tracks by the metallic clang of something falling to the stone floor.
We hear a small, petulant voice, rather like that of Billy the Smallest of the Goats Gruff who we interviewed last week.
"Tell Milo I ain't doing it no more."
We glance at each other, completely nonplussed.
Our lead cameraman steps forward.
"I beg your pardon, so so sorry to intrude and thanks awfully for not eating us just yet but we are making a documentary and it would be really helpful if you could expand on that comment you just made, if you wouldn't mind, Your Gruffness..."
We hear the slap of skin against stone as Our Gruffness approaches. (The skin of his feet that is...not...ewww...please...this is a CHILDREN'S STORY). To our utter shock, what edges towards us is, what can only be described as, a...a... "Buffizzly Bear".
He has a hairy head and a hairy tum with hair-covered hooves and a hairy bum. He has awful breath and claws to match with tiny pustules all over his back. His eyes are indeed orange, his tail is long and the entire picture is, frankly, just wrong!
On questioning, it seems that the Buffizzly Bear, or Norman as he was christened, was the result of an accident that his well-meaning scientist creator had when he was trying to split the atom. Norman is in fact the head of a grizzly bear and the body of a buffalo. He would like us to mention that he does NOT eat mice, foxes, owls or snakes. Much preferring to raid the bins of the nicer neighbourhoods after dark. He was blackmailed by the Mouse who caught him having an affair with a young woman of questionable morals. The young woman is apparently a well-respected MP (hence the questionable morals) and Milo threatened to reveal their sordid secret if they did not agree to help him get rich.
Norman the Buffizzly Bear wants to be left alone to continue to scavenge a living from bins and woo political ladies.
The MP in question has got a super-injuction against us using her name, has quietly resigned and is now writing a book about her experiences. Rumour has it that she has signed an exclusive deal with Channel 4 to make one of those vaguely sex-related documentaries about weirdos who fancy their cars/ horses/ bicycles/ fairytale animals (delete as applicable).
Norman has moved to the Netherlands where they tend to be a lot more accepting of this sort of scandal.
Milo the Mouse has taken refuge in the Ecuadorian Embassy, London.
It would seem then, that there IS no such thing as a Gruffalo.
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NB: Boo Publications are co-operating with the police in their ongoing investigation of this fraud and all relevant permissions were sought before going to press.
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