How to get 4 people into a Leyland Mini...

The Leyland Mini - enough to bring a tear to a manboy's eye.

http://www.minionlinemuseum.com/images

Following a recent study conducted by myself and 3 friends, allow me to advise you on the best way to get into (and out of) these sardine tins.

1) Remove all loose items from the car.

2) Remove all objects from your pockets.

3) Remove/ loosen all tight-fitting clothing.

4) Appoint the 2 people who will be sitting in the back, whom we shall call Passengers 1 and 2.

5) Open all the car doors.

6) Fold both front seats down as far as possible which you should find is approximately 7 centimetres.


Passenger 1

7) Raise one leg.

8) Stretch it out in front of you and hop towards the door of the side that you are intending to get in.

9) Wiggle your leg over as far as it will go to the opposite side.

10) When you have that one leg in, bend at the waist and touch your nose to your knees.

11) Use your hands to steady yourself and ease your head, shoulders and arse in through the door frame.

12) Sit down on the back seat.

13) Unfurl yourself so that you are sitting with your bum on the seat, one leg inside the car, one leg outside the car.

14) Retrieve your other leg from outside the car.

15) There will be nowhere to put your other leg inside the car so you will have to curl it around the seat in front of you, between the door and the front seat.

16) Congratulations, you're in - check all your vital signs and that you are still in possession of all your main faculties - touch, sight, hearing, etc.

Now laugh unkindly as you watch Passenger 2 repeat steps 7 - 16.

Passenger 2
Repeat steps 7 - 16.

Passengers 1 & 2
Once you are both in, you are likely to feel hot and, depending on how well your loosened trousers have held up and how well you know each other,  a little embarrassed.

Do not worry. This is completely normal. Simply grit your teeth, smile and avert your eyes.

Passenger 3
It's your turn...

17) CAREFULLY fold the 2 front seats back up. (I think "fold" is probably the wrong word since they don't go down far enough to be "folded" but you know what I mean).

18)  Following much the same method as Passengers 1 and 2, you're going to need to aim as though your planning to put your "junk" in the glove box.

19) When you have fully aligned yourself with the glove box, jerk your pelvis backward and bring your knees up until your butt finds the seat.

20) Then gingerly settle back into the enveloping thighs of the passenger behind you.

Top Tip: Fold your arms because the driver is about to get in and you will suddenly find you have nowhere safe to put them.

Finally, it's time for the Driver to take his position...

Driver
21) You will need to return all the items that the Passengers removed from their pockets and persons. That way you can be sure that they will have the 20p they will need to pay you for the petrol.

22) You will also need to replace all the loose items that were removed from the car in Step 1. You will need to store these items in the remaining nooks and crannies, if you can find any, around your Passengers. Often times, you may need to make use of each Passenger's lap, hands, shoulders and possibly even mouths.

Top Tip: When selecting your Passengers try, where possible, to find thin people with a tiny bit of podge which can cushion them from the objects which will undoubtedly end up being packed around them. 

23) GENTLY close all the doors except the one on the Driver's side.

24) Follow a similar method to Passenger 3, this time aiming your crotch toward the steering wheel.

25) Once in, make sure that you can reach all the pedals.

I say "reach"...reaching them should not be a problem as such, it's more the angle at which your feet are when you try to press them. At the very least, please make sure you can successfully, and with minimal discomfort, press the brake pedal. It is unlikely that you will need to use the brake pedal all that much because most of the time, it will be enough for each of your passengers to simply extend a hand through the window and "paddle" in the opposite direction.

Oh wait - you can't open the back windows?

Brake it is then...

26) Check that everyone is still able to breathe.

27) Close your car door.

28) Waggle the gear stick. I don't know why. I don't drive. This is just something that I see my Dad do before he turns the engine on.

29) ALL PASSENGERS: I hope you feel that you know each other a little better by now because the next step is a little intimate. You are going to need to explore the flesh of the person next to you in order to find the socket for your seat belt, if you are lucky enough to be given the option of having one.

Passenger 3 and the Driver may be lucky enough not to have to dig around in the other person's flesh but don't count on it.

30) Check that you are all able to breathe and agree never to mention how cosy you all got.

Commence countdown, engines on. Off you go...

Further Tips for your Journey
DO NOT lean into corners.

DO be as lightweight as possible.

DO bring a snorkel with you so that you can more effectively suck in air through the gap in the back window.

DO sit on a hemorrhoid pillow to try and combat getting booted up the backside every few seconds by what is laughably called "The Suspension".

DO strap another hemorrhoid pillow to your head for the same reason. The roof of the car is very low!

DO NOT fart!

And finally...

REMEMBER: What happens in the Mini, STAYS in the Mini! 

The Gruffalo - The Untold Story

Until a few years ago it was widely believed that there was "no such thing as a gruffalo". Thanks to an unlucky coincidence one brave mouse recently discovered that such a monster does indeed exist - in the dark depths of a woodland previously frequented by teddy bear picnickers.

Half grizzly bear, half buffalo, this awkward animal is believed to be the product of one awful experiment involving a disreputable scientist who was unavailable to comment by virtue of the fact that he has since, regrettably, been eaten.

We follow the plucky Mouse as he retraces the steps he took on that fateful day when he discovered The Gruffalo.

Milo, for that is The Mouse's real name, strides into the wood with enviable nonchalance. He begins by picking his way along the side of the marked footpath before veering off towards the fox's den where he met his one time enemy Felipe. Unfortunately, the Fox has been so ridiculed by the community for his apparent stupidity in falling for Milo's tricks that he has been unable to get a decent meal for weeks. Unwanted celebrity has not brought him any fortune so he has left for America where, he is reliably informed, the streets are made of cheese. As everyone knows, foxes are really quite partial to cheese...

Swaggering past Felipe's former residence, Milo recounts how he courageously avoided The Fox's jaws and instead thought up the story about the Gruffalo. His over-confident demeanour falters just slightly when he is questioned as to how he thought of the Gruffalo and whether he really knew that one existed.

Soon enough we happen upon the Owl's house but, alas, he is not home. Oswald the Owl was once known in these parts for his superior wisdom having once belonged to a wizard. He prided himself on knowing everyone and everything in these woods and did not suffer fools gladly. People from miles around used to come to seek his counsel but, since the whole Gruffalo affair, he hasn't had any custom. Instead he has suffered a bout of depression brought on by a loss in confidence and has flown away to Hogwarts where he is now working as a post-owl (Editor's note: That is to say "post" as in "postman", not "post" as in "posterior"/ or "post-war").

The fact that Gruffalo-Gate as it is now being called has disrupted the lives of, so far, The Fox and The Owl does not seem to bother Milo The Mouse in the slightest. Indeed, for a little marsupial he seems to have delusions of grandeur, focussing instead on how long it will be before they make a 3D movie of his adventures. Boo Publications understands that a stage re-telling is already in production.

In keeping with the predictable, repetitive nature of these kinds of stories, it doesn't surprise us to find that The Snake has also fled. Although it appears in this instance that The Mouse was right to think Simeon the Snake is an idiot. Apparently he is well known for his stupidity and has fallen for an Egyptian Snake Charmer who has whisked him off to Sharm-el-Sheikh.

As we pass this last checkpoint on the way to meet the terrifying Gruffalo, it is interesting to see that Milo has lost some of his bold stature and in fact seems to be backing away whilst gesturing us towards the cave.

Our hearts in our mouths, we make a hesitant move towards the beast's lair. Before we have even reached the opening, an enormous roar almost knocks us backwards. We all jump and topple against one another like dominoes. Wiping the monster's spittle from our faces and the sweat from our brows, we proceed, with renewed caution. Our less-than-gracious host appears to have beaten a hasty retreat and is nowhere to be seen.

With one swift step we are inside the mouth of the cave. We hold fast through another few ripping roars and then we finally find the torch. Casting it around quickly - we get a real sense of the decrepitude that this beast lives in. There is not a single piece of furniture. Not even the cheap kind from Ikea. No wallpaper, nothing. Just two glowing orange orbs in the darkness at the back of the cave. As we steel ourselves for the final, and they do seem likely to be final, steps - we are stopped in our tracks by the metallic clang of something falling to the stone floor.

We hear a small, petulant voice, rather like that of Billy the Smallest of the Goats Gruff who we interviewed last week.

"Tell Milo I ain't doing it no more."

We glance at each other, completely nonplussed.

Our lead cameraman steps forward.

"I beg your pardon, so so sorry to intrude and thanks awfully for not eating us just yet but we are making a documentary and it would be really helpful if you could expand on that comment you just made, if you wouldn't mind, Your Gruffness..."

We hear the slap of skin against stone as Our Gruffness approaches. (The skin of his feet that is...not...ewww...please...this is a CHILDREN'S STORY). To our utter shock, what edges towards us is, what can only be described as, a...a... "Buffizzly Bear".

He has a hairy head and a hairy tum with hair-covered hooves and a hairy bum. He has awful breath and claws to match with tiny pustules all over his back. His eyes are indeed orange, his tail is long and the entire picture is, frankly, just wrong!

On questioning, it seems that the Buffizzly Bear, or Norman as he was christened, was the result of an accident that his well-meaning scientist creator had when he was trying to split the atom. Norman is in fact the head of a grizzly bear and the body of a buffalo. He would like us to mention that he does NOT eat mice, foxes, owls or snakes. Much preferring to raid the bins of the nicer neighbourhoods after dark. He was blackmailed by the Mouse who caught him having an affair with a young woman of questionable morals. The young woman is apparently a well-respected MP (hence the questionable morals) and Milo threatened to reveal their sordid secret if they did not agree to help him get rich.

Norman the Buffizzly Bear wants to be left alone to continue to scavenge a living from bins and woo political ladies.

The MP in question has got a super-injuction against us using her name, has quietly resigned and is now writing a book about her experiences. Rumour has it that she has signed an exclusive deal with Channel 4 to make one of those vaguely sex-related documentaries about weirdos who fancy their cars/ horses/ bicycles/ fairytale animals (delete as applicable).

Norman has moved to the Netherlands where they tend to be a lot more accepting of this sort of scandal.

Milo the Mouse has taken refuge in the Ecuadorian Embassy, London.

It would seem then, that there IS no such thing as a Gruffalo.
--

NB: Boo Publications are co-operating with the police in their ongoing investigation of this fraud and all relevant permissions were sought before going to press.
--

Boo's Notes| GCSE Practice Questions - "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E L James

Boo Exam Board GCSE English Literatrure (Higher Lever) Exam 1 - Summer 2013

Fifty Shades of Grey

Answer part (a) and either part (b) or part (c).

You are advised to spend 20 minutes on part (a), and about 40 minutes on part (b) or part (c).

Read the extract. Then answer the following question:

(a) With close reference to the extract, show how E L James represents the "fifty shades" of Christian Grey's character here.                                                                                                        [10 marks]

(b) How does E L James' representation of Christian Grey throughout the novel affect your feelings towards him?

(c) "A real man loves his woman whatever time of the month it is". To what extent do you agree with this statement?

[EXTRACT]
"I don't remember anyone but my family ever being mad at me. I like it." He runs the tips of his fingers down my cheek. Oh my, his proximity, his delicious Christian smell. We're supposed to be talking, but my heart is pounding, my blood singing as it courses through my body, desire, pooling, unfurling... everywhere. Christian bends and runs his nose along my shoulder and up to the base of my ear, his fingers slipping into my hair. "We should talk." I whisper.

"Later."

"I want you," he breathes.I moan and reach up and grasp his arms."Are you bleeding?" He continues to kiss me.Holy Fuck. Does nothing slip by him?"Yes," I whisper, embarrassed."Do you have cramps?""No." I flush.

He stops and looks down at me."Did you take your pill?""Yes." How mortifying is this?

He takes me into the bathroom which is two rooms, all aquamarines and white limestone. It's huge - In the second room a sunken bath, big enough for four people with stone steps that lead into it, is slowly filling with water. Steam rises gently above the foam, and I notice a stone seat all the way around.

[...] "When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err... yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.

Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar - The Untold Story

For Ben:

Cyril was a caterpillar. Cyril had no friends. You may have heard of him.

This brave caterpillar, previously unable to discuss his difficult experiences has finally decided to come clean about his recent weight-loss in allowing Becky Boo's Book Club to publish this EXCLUSIVE heart-warming story.

Previously Cyril had a court super-injunction in force which was broken by Eric Carle who took liberties with Cyril's trust and published a tell-all book about his weight problem.

Originally called "Lepidopteral Obesity - A Caterpillar's Struggle" this book was later renamed to the much more catchy "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and published in at least 40 languages, much to Cyril's distress.

A victim of constant bullying from other caterpillars in his neighbourhood, Cyril took to eating for comfort and, after a particularly voracious week, found himself the subject of nosy parker Eric Carle's attentions. Eric had never seen a caterpillar behave in such a way and said that he was using Cyril, without permission, as a "nature study".

According to Cyril "Carle didn't help me to address my weight gain, nor did he help me to understand the psychological reasons behind it. In fact, he encouraged me to eat more and more until I could no longer identify with my own species".

Cyril - 2004

Cyril had a hard start in life, he was born with very unusual features and only six tiny legs. His entire back was covered in prickles, he had very large ears - akin to those of a rabbit, and suffered greatly from cataracts in his overlarge eyes. Looking back, Cyril believes that all of these factors contributed to his low self esteem and, eventually, his appetite.

So what's new? Well! Becky Boo's Book Club can exclusively report that Cyril has undergone a startling transformation following ground-breaking treatment from the Harley Street Clinic for Caterpillars. 

The treatment:

6 weeks of nibbling tiny holes in leaves as his only food intake

15 days in a silken sleeping bag

The addition of wings

A radical sex change

Yes, it may seem mad but Cyril, now known as Cecile, maintains that this treatment has had a lasting effect on his health and happiness. 

Cyril explains - "By only allowing yourself to nibble a tiny hole in each leaf, you are fooling your body into thinking that it is eating more whilst it is actually breaking down the poly-saturates stored in your blood stream. The next stage is to, effectively, hibernate. This is because, after 6 weeks of starvation, you will not be able to stand, six legs or no! The next stage is to grow, or otherwise obtain, a pair of wings. Because they're pretty. Also, you will find that you will suddenly pay much more attention to your weight once you have wings. Lastly, the sex change. This is necessary because it has long been proven that women do not "get fat" they simply become "curvier" - which is not quite the same."

Cecile (nee "Cyril") - NOW

Cecile's happiness just goes to show what a few simple lifestyle changes can do. Beat obesity - with leaves, hibernation, wings and femininity!

If you are a caterpillar and have been affected by Cecile's story - please write in with an appropriate picture of you looking fat and ugly so that we can exploit you too!

© Becky Boo's Book Club 2012