The teacher's decision to use these implements is supported by the school who say that it is their policy to use blades wherever possible in order to prepare the children for their responsibility, as citizens of the United Kingdom, to bear stationery.
Little Scratchington Prep School has been heavily criticised for this in the national press with many of the parent-run academies labelling it "morally bankrupt". However, opinion across the country is so divided that no politician will broach the subject for fear of jeopardising the results of the upcoming General Election.
Meanwhile, the school has received support from many powerful organisations which refer to the Right to Bear Stationery as a duty and a privilege of British Citizenship.
The Right to Bear Stationery began as The Right to Bear Pens, which was accepted as English Common Law in 1689 following a misunderstanding that caused ministers to believe the adage "the pen is mightier than the sword" was to be taken literally. It was thought that, in giving every man the right to carry a pen, each citizen would be able to defend the crown should they ever be in a situation to demonstrate the efficacy of the pen vs sword theory. It was apparently not an issue that most of the country's population at that time was illiterate. Being literate and "handy with a pen" were entirely different things.
The law was extended in the 1850s to include all other forms of stationery when the enterprising Victorians realised 3 very important things.
1) If you made it law that everyone had to carry a pen, you could make a lot of money selling pens;
2) what do you make the people who can't afford pens carry? And...
3) Pens vs swords would be a lot more likely to work if the pens were a bit...pointier...
These considerations meant that the law was amended to The Right to Bear Stationery which has been a common feature of our legislation ever since.
With these changes, our social history was also affected...
The set-square was invented and became an overnight success. Originally intended as a cheap and effective way to get a little bit stabby with your stationery, university professors had to create a whole new subject in order to find a more everyday use for them. Professor Trigon of Oxford and his team contrived "trigonometry" which was subsequently included in the National Curriculum as an elaborate cover story for the superfluity of set-squares to be found in Britain. We didn't want the French to get suspicious! Oxford professors are of course renowned for their ability to create unnecessary subjects for study as no doubt you will know from Professor Alan Gebrah's contributions.
The literacy level also saw a significant increase as children experimented with their parents pens and began, to their surprise, to write and draw rather than stab each other. Although, to be fair, there was a bit of stabbing that went on too.
Navigators, hitherto considered to be harmless nerds, were suddenly revered for their skill with the most dangerous stationery of the time, the compass. Soon, set-squares, pens and compasses were issued to every school child in handy sets which are still sold today.
The final benefit that the Victorians experienced when the Right to Bear Stationery was made law, was that the level of unemployment went right down. This is because Woolworth's were so successful in selling Stationery Sets that they opened a branch in every town, employing 20 - 80 staff.
The two World Wars* meant that The Right to Bear Stationery took a back seat and eventually faded into a quaint tradition. The kind of tradition that meant that all old ladies carried pens in their handbags, and all children were bought Stationery Sets, without anyone really remembering why.
*(not the Two-Word Wars, those were entirely different in nature and saw Germans and Brits shout two-word insults at each other from either side of battle lines e.g "Arse Bandit", " Stinkenden Hund". The German's actually won the Two-Word Wars which is why we aren't taught much about it. It was considered that they had an unfair advantage because theirs is an agglutinative language which allows them to get away with pretending that two words are in fact one, very long, very difficult to pronounce, single word. )
The 1950s saw a brief revival of the law when it was considered the duty of every upstanding citizen to have the ability to write a letter of complaint or sign a petition at a moment's notice. This sudden requirement saw the BBC have to move "Points of View" to a primetime slot.
Nowadays, the Right to Bear Stationery is a little known common law which has been gathering dust, unamended and unchecked until this week's shocking events. Who knew that there were villages where this tradition was still a fiercely guarded right? As mentioned, the Little Scratchington Prep School did not stop at set-squaress and compasses but instead allowed their pupils to use cleavers, axes and bayonets.
Their defence is that all such implements can be considered to be stationery when used in the context of arts and crafts. They say that they use a progressive system to teach the children respect and discipline. The pupils reportedly behave a lot better when they are faced with the possibility of losing a limb. However, as with all tools, accidents can sometimes happen. Little Scratchington Prep School refuses to accept liability for what it calls "a cruel twist of fate" and claim that they are being responsible by teaching their charges to be safe and respect sharp tools. In the words of the headmaster, Mr Chopper:
Children are more likely to have an accident if you give them a pair of scissors and say "here you are but whatever you do, DON'T RUN WITH THEM" because the child will run with them as soon as your back is turned. What we do is say "here are some scissors, this is how you run with them safely, now run along! Mind how you go!". This is our way of teaching the children to respect dangerous stationery whilst still fulfilling their citizenship duties. Our pupils go out in the world prepared to defend the realm with crimping scissors, or if necessary, a bayonet.
