Darling,
My therapist says that I should share the following confessions with you...
1) Sometimes, when I find that blue and yellow plasticine lying around, I like to smush it together and make cute little shapes out of it.
2) I like to peel the paint scabs off of your mixing tiles.
3) Yesterday I hoovered up 4 tiny bits of grey plastic. I'm not sure what they were but they might have been arms...
4) I accidentally spilt my tea on one of your little pages of transfers and ended up transferring some tiny black signs onto the coffee table. Don't worry! The coffee table's fine.
Please love me still!
Becky
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Sunday, 13 October 2013
25 Random Things About Me
Hello dear readers. I have been away for most of the summer enjoying the stunning weather but I'm back... to let you know...I can really shake 'em down!
*Ahem*. I mean... I'm back.
In the spirit of getting to know each other a little better, I have decided to include my first meme (dundundunnn). So here are 25 "Random Facts" about moi:
1) I really HATE moths. They are butterflies FROM HELL.
2) We used to have to drink milk in primary school and it was always slightly warm and smelt awful. This has pretty much put me off milk for life. I tolerate the smallest amount in my tea and on my Weetabix.
3) I am named after the midwife that delivered me. I think Mum & Dad thought I was going to be a boy and, when it turned out I wasn't, they were like "Oh err quick think of a girl's name...Rebekah that'll do!". That's right RebeKAH. It's Hebrew. No, I'm not Jewish. My parents just like the way it's written in the Bible. Yes. It IS annoying when people think it's funny to call me REBE-KAH-Kah-kah a la Shooting Stars...
4) I am technically what you might call "hirsute". To my dismay I discovered this when I saw an interview with a woman on a dodgy Channel 5 documentary and realised that we were as hairy as each other - except that she was being deliberately lax with the topiary in order to charge questionable characters lots of money to nuzzle her armpits. Maybe I'm missing a trick but I think I'll carry on with my bald monkey act for now... At least I know I've got something I can fall back on!
5) I bang my head almost daily. The routine goes something like this: Open bathroom wall cabinet, retrieve toothbrush, start to brush teeth, bend down to open cupboard under the sink, stand-up and crack head on corner of bathroom cabinet door. I have tried to move things around so I don't have to get things from under the sink but that just makes me bang my head somewhere else at some other point in the day. I've therefore made the conscious decision, since I am obviously destined to sustain this sort of daily injury, to at least exercise what little control I have over my immediate future by allowing my head to be hit in the same place each time. Logic shmogic...
6) I cry. A lot. At the slightest sign of distress to a fictional character, human or otherwise, I am blubbing like a baby. As you can imagine, Les Mis nearly killed me.
7) I love my job. I'm a ...wait for it..."Business Development Manager" - posh eh? I sell factory machines business-to-business. It may not sound like much but it's fun, challenging, a bit weird, and I'm a real geek about it.
8) I think lamb tastes like sheep smell. That's why I don't eat it.
9) I'm fluent in French and Spanish.
10) Wet cling film weirds me out. Don't ask me how I know this...
11) I love cheese so much that I used to just eat it off the block but I had to stop doing it when I moved in with my boyfriend because it turns out a random fact about him is that he hates finding bite marks in the cheese. Who knew?
12) I love sleeping. I do not subscribe to the whole "but you'll waste the day" theory. It is NOT a waste of a day if sleeping is how you intended to spend your time.
13) I will never tire of watching FRIENDS.
14) I got an E in my Electronics GCSE. We had to choose a technology subject at GCSE level because my senior school was a Technology College. I was banned from Mrs B's sewing room because I broke a needle on one of the sewing machines. (She seemed incredibly unsympathetic to the fact that the way I broke this needle was by accidentally sewing it through my finger!). Mrs Heinz's (no joke - that was her name) Food Tech class was boring and I couldn't draw so thought Graphics would be a nightmare. As for woodwork - well would you let me loose with a saw? Didn't think so. I was left in a class of 5 boys in Electronics. They were all very clever, computery types. I was mostly able to get them to help me solder stuff in class but on the exam paper, there was no saving me. I got 12 marks out of 120 and those were for colouring-in (designing a package for a torch). Maybe I should have done Graphics after all...
15) I would love to travel more but when I had the time, I didn't have the money and now I have more money but no time!
16) I would love to get a dog when the Boy and I have our own house. The landlady would have a fit if we kept one in our current flat!
17) I was genuinely quite disappointed when I reached 11 and did not receive my letter from Hogwarts.
18) I would love to write a book one day but have no fudging clue what to write about. Until then, you'll just have to put up with me writing silly crap on T'internet.
19) I once sang a solo in front of the Commodore of the Royal Navy. I was a Sea Cadet and when I was about 15 I went on a summer camp at Britannia Royal Naval College. I volunteered to sing in the choir whilst I was there and the Vicar asked if I would like to sing on my own instead. I sang a lovely little church number which I called "As The Deer Pants" because the first line is "As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you...". I think most people called it "As The Deer".
20) I own a lot of lipsticks and am forever buying more!
21) Christmas is my FAVOURITE time of year. Both my Sister and I get almost unhealthily obsessive about presents and decorations and the tree etc. etc. Hannah even goes as far as demanding everyone stick to a strict dress code of silly woolly jumpers.
22) I love surprises. Nice ones, obvs.
23) I am told that I turn into a petulant 5-year-old when I'm tired.
24) I wish I could walk in heels with a modicum of grace. But I can't.
25) The best advice I have ever heard is "just keep swimming" - Dory - Finding Nemo.
BONUS RANDOM FACT
My brother has reminded me of another random fact...
I have 3 younger siblings: the aforementioned sister and 2 brothers. They are all darlings, especially the brothers. I will be writing a post very soon on the unfathomable pleasures of having younger brothers... so stay tuned for that!
Okay, that's me done for the day. Tell me a random fact about you in the comments!
Tomorrow we will be talking about books.
Ciao for niao!
*Ahem*. I mean... I'm back.
In the spirit of getting to know each other a little better, I have decided to include my first meme (dundundunnn). So here are 25 "Random Facts" about moi:
1) I really HATE moths. They are butterflies FROM HELL.
 |
| Found on Google Images - No credit taken! |
3) I am named after the midwife that delivered me. I think Mum & Dad thought I was going to be a boy and, when it turned out I wasn't, they were like "Oh err quick think of a girl's name...Rebekah that'll do!". That's right RebeKAH. It's Hebrew. No, I'm not Jewish. My parents just like the way it's written in the Bible. Yes. It IS annoying when people think it's funny to call me REBE-KAH-Kah-kah a la Shooting Stars...
4) I am technically what you might call "hirsute". To my dismay I discovered this when I saw an interview with a woman on a dodgy Channel 5 documentary and realised that we were as hairy as each other - except that she was being deliberately lax with the topiary in order to charge questionable characters lots of money to nuzzle her armpits. Maybe I'm missing a trick but I think I'll carry on with my bald monkey act for now... At least I know I've got something I can fall back on!
5) I bang my head almost daily. The routine goes something like this: Open bathroom wall cabinet, retrieve toothbrush, start to brush teeth, bend down to open cupboard under the sink, stand-up and crack head on corner of bathroom cabinet door. I have tried to move things around so I don't have to get things from under the sink but that just makes me bang my head somewhere else at some other point in the day. I've therefore made the conscious decision, since I am obviously destined to sustain this sort of daily injury, to at least exercise what little control I have over my immediate future by allowing my head to be hit in the same place each time. Logic shmogic...
6) I cry. A lot. At the slightest sign of distress to a fictional character, human or otherwise, I am blubbing like a baby. As you can imagine, Les Mis nearly killed me.
7) I love my job. I'm a ...wait for it..."Business Development Manager" - posh eh? I sell factory machines business-to-business. It may not sound like much but it's fun, challenging, a bit weird, and I'm a real geek about it.
8) I think lamb tastes like sheep smell. That's why I don't eat it.
9) I'm fluent in French and Spanish.
10) Wet cling film weirds me out. Don't ask me how I know this...
11) I love cheese so much that I used to just eat it off the block but I had to stop doing it when I moved in with my boyfriend because it turns out a random fact about him is that he hates finding bite marks in the cheese. Who knew?
12) I love sleeping. I do not subscribe to the whole "but you'll waste the day" theory. It is NOT a waste of a day if sleeping is how you intended to spend your time.
13) I will never tire of watching FRIENDS.
14) I got an E in my Electronics GCSE. We had to choose a technology subject at GCSE level because my senior school was a Technology College. I was banned from Mrs B's sewing room because I broke a needle on one of the sewing machines. (She seemed incredibly unsympathetic to the fact that the way I broke this needle was by accidentally sewing it through my finger!). Mrs Heinz's (no joke - that was her name) Food Tech class was boring and I couldn't draw so thought Graphics would be a nightmare. As for woodwork - well would you let me loose with a saw? Didn't think so. I was left in a class of 5 boys in Electronics. They were all very clever, computery types. I was mostly able to get them to help me solder stuff in class but on the exam paper, there was no saving me. I got 12 marks out of 120 and those were for colouring-in (designing a package for a torch). Maybe I should have done Graphics after all...
15) I would love to travel more but when I had the time, I didn't have the money and now I have more money but no time!
16) I would love to get a dog when the Boy and I have our own house. The landlady would have a fit if we kept one in our current flat!
 |
| My BF wants us to get a dog like this one. |
18) I would love to write a book one day but have no fudging clue what to write about. Until then, you'll just have to put up with me writing silly crap on T'internet.
19) I once sang a solo in front of the Commodore of the Royal Navy. I was a Sea Cadet and when I was about 15 I went on a summer camp at Britannia Royal Naval College. I volunteered to sing in the choir whilst I was there and the Vicar asked if I would like to sing on my own instead. I sang a lovely little church number which I called "As The Deer Pants" because the first line is "As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you...". I think most people called it "As The Deer".
20) I own a lot of lipsticks and am forever buying more!
21) Christmas is my FAVOURITE time of year. Both my Sister and I get almost unhealthily obsessive about presents and decorations and the tree etc. etc. Hannah even goes as far as demanding everyone stick to a strict dress code of silly woolly jumpers.
22) I love surprises. Nice ones, obvs.
23) I am told that I turn into a petulant 5-year-old when I'm tired.
24) I wish I could walk in heels with a modicum of grace. But I can't.
25) The best advice I have ever heard is "just keep swimming" - Dory - Finding Nemo.
BONUS RANDOM FACT
My brother has reminded me of another random fact...
I have 3 younger siblings: the aforementioned sister and 2 brothers. They are all darlings, especially the brothers. I will be writing a post very soon on the unfathomable pleasures of having younger brothers... so stay tuned for that!
Okay, that's me done for the day. Tell me a random fact about you in the comments!
Tomorrow we will be talking about books.
Ciao for niao!
Monday, 28 January 2013
The things they say...
Why I love my friend Amy...
Me: You have one of those mouths that naturally turns down at the corners - it's very pouty (nice I know).
Amy: *Makes a pouty face...*
Me: I'm serious - I have one of those mouths that's just straight - from the side, you can never tell if I'm smiling or not *turns to the side and grins*.
Amy: Mmhmm yeah...you have a mouth like one of those penises that's so big - you can't tell if it's up or down.
Me: *silence*
Friday, 21 December 2012
Miguel the Lazy Mayan Scribe and His Unintentional Prophecy of the World's End
Miguel the Mayan Calendar Scribe: December the Eighteenth, Two Thousand and Twelve...December the Nineteenth, Two...Thousand...and...Twelve...
Pablo, Miguel's Mate: Psst, Miguel!
Miguel: December the...*looks up* Si??
Pablo: How long have you been writing that sodding calendar?
Miguel: Well I took over from my Dad when he died so I started at March 3rd 1958 I think...I try and do a year or so every day...
Pablo: Riiighhhtt... well, I've finished at the Pyramid for the day, was wondering if you fancied a pint?
Miguel: Nahhh, better get on mate, I've still got another few thousand years to go...
Pablo: Maria will be there....
Miguel: ...TwentiethTwoThousandandTwelve,DecembertheTwentyFirstTwoThousandandTwelve. *throws chisel and rock down*. Done. I'll pick it up again tomorrow.
- That night -
Maria: So tell me about yourself then Miguel...
Miguel: *By now rather drunk, courtesy of Pablo* Well, I'm the guy who knows for definite when the world will end...
Maria: Oh my Mayan God! Really? When?
Miguel: *Inhales sharply* well...I'll be honest with you Maria, we really don't have very long.
Maria: Oh no! How long do we have left!?
Miguel: Just tonight baby...
Maria: Arggh and I haven't had time to do anything I wanted to do...!
Miguel: Then let's make this night count...
*Picks her up and carries her away to hislair hut cave, where, presumably, much intimacy occurs*
- The morning after -
Miguel: *Awakening early with a terrible headache feels something stir behind him. He turns over to find Maria, naked, next to him in bed. Realising what he has done, and remembering the monstrous lie he told her to get her there, he scrambles back into his err, loin cloth?, grass skirt? and dashes out of the ...cave. Never to be seen again.*
- December 2012 AD-
Professer at the University of Stoicism: But, but...this is not possible...according to the Mayan Calendar, the world is due to end on the 21st! It just stops there - no more dates... What could this mean??
Professor at the University of Uncertainty: Well, I'm not entirely sure...
Professor at the University of Bullsh*t: Well clearly the Mayan's knew something we didn't. You can clearly tell from their calculations that they had predicted the end of the world as December 21st 2012. In fact, the Mayans were very advanced in their ability to forsee the future...
Professor at the University of Melodrama: Oh. My. God. Our days are literally numbered.
Editor of the Sun Newspaper:
Pablo, Miguel's Mate: Psst, Miguel!
Miguel: December the...*looks up* Si??
Pablo: How long have you been writing that sodding calendar?
Miguel: Well I took over from my Dad when he died so I started at March 3rd 1958 I think...I try and do a year or so every day...
Pablo: Riiighhhtt... well, I've finished at the Pyramid for the day, was wondering if you fancied a pint?
Miguel: Nahhh, better get on mate, I've still got another few thousand years to go...
Pablo: Maria will be there....
Miguel: ...TwentiethTwoThousandandTwelve,DecembertheTwentyFirstTwoThousandandTwelve. *throws chisel and rock down*. Done. I'll pick it up again tomorrow.
- That night -
Maria: So tell me about yourself then Miguel...
Miguel: *By now rather drunk, courtesy of Pablo* Well, I'm the guy who knows for definite when the world will end...
Maria: Oh my Mayan God! Really? When?
Miguel: *Inhales sharply* well...I'll be honest with you Maria, we really don't have very long.
Maria: Oh no! How long do we have left!?
Miguel: Just tonight baby...
Maria: Arggh and I haven't had time to do anything I wanted to do...!
Miguel: Then let's make this night count...
*Picks her up and carries her away to his
- The morning after -
Miguel: *Awakening early with a terrible headache feels something stir behind him. He turns over to find Maria, naked, next to him in bed. Realising what he has done, and remembering the monstrous lie he told her to get her there, he scrambles back into his err, loin cloth?, grass skirt? and dashes out of the ...cave. Never to be seen again.*
- December 2012 AD-
Professer at the University of Stoicism: But, but...this is not possible...according to the Mayan Calendar, the world is due to end on the 21st! It just stops there - no more dates... What could this mean??
Professor at the University of Uncertainty: Well, I'm not entirely sure...
Professor at the University of Bullsh*t: Well clearly the Mayan's knew something we didn't. You can clearly tell from their calculations that they had predicted the end of the world as December 21st 2012. In fact, the Mayans were very advanced in their ability to forsee the future...
Professor at the University of Melodrama: Oh. My. God. Our days are literally numbered.
Editor of the Sun Newspaper:
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Ranting| On the Fascist nature of cats...
Cats are fascists. FACT.
Definition of Fascism (courtesy of dictionary.com)
( sometimes initial capital letter ) a governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc., and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism.
Definition of Fascist (courtesy of dictionary.com)
a person (or animal) who believes in or sympathizes with fascism. Syn. cat (noun)
Definition of Cat (courtesy of dictionary.com)
See Fascist
People who love cats are truly capable of unconditional love. How else can you explain the (clearly misplaced) affection that some people feel for these over-indulged scratchy hairballs?
My experience with cats is thankfully limited but terrifying nonetheless. Let me introduce you to the Fascist Oppressors of my childhood...*some names have been changed to protect the innocent (me) from being harmed by the complicit (the cats' owners).
When I was young, about 6 or 7 I think, we looked after my Nan's cat Beau for a while. (Don't worry we gave him back in one piece - much to my dismay). Beau was the apple of my Nan's eye (which I'm sure he kept in a jar somewhere). He was such a sneaky bastard that he managed to convince us all that while we were to do his bidding, we were doing it of our own accord and he was just an innocent bystander who was in no way manipulating us.
"Oppressing you? Me? I'm just a cat...*licks balls*"...
Beau was just your average feline I think. He was just a bit ebil but not so ebil that you had any hard proof (even if you did - who could you report it to? I think the RSPCA generally tends to come down in favour of the animal in most circumstances).
It is Beau I have to thank for my introduction to the outside, inside trick. You know the classic, mewing til you let them out, then as soon as you have sat down, whinging to be let in again, only to repeat the whole process over again just as you've got comfy... Simon! You are not alone!
Beau eventually went back to my Nan and must have died at some point although I don't particularly remember mourning for him (sorry!). Either way, he's deffo not here now *looks over shoulder*.
Cue next angel of death...let's call him...errr..."Mephistopheles"... (I should say at this point that the owner of Mephistopheles* is a lovely lovely person but I think she would agree with me that she was comfortable having a sadist for a pet- she was very Goth at the time)...
My issue with this feline daemon was that he was such a c**k and my friend, misty-eyed with affection didn't seem to see it and appeared to value his comfort and well-being over mine. I don't blame my friend at all... I blame the cat.
One day, in my tender pre-teens, I went to stay at this friend's house. We had a fantastic time playing Sylvanian families, painting, dressing-up, making a mess of her parents lovely big house BUT all too soon bedtime, predictably, came around at about 10pm. We didn't mind too much because we were a tuckered out and had been allowed to stay up late anyway (oooo 10pm, rock on!).
I was sleeping on the floor of my friend's room on a little camp bed type thing, with one pillow. Yes. One. Pillow. We got ready for bed and settled down and, within about 5 minutes of trying, unsuccessfully, to support my head by other means, I decided to see if I could see another pillow, within easy reach.
Dilemma.
There was a very comfy looking pillow on the end of my friend's bed. Just waiting for me to pick it up. It looked to me like the kind of pillow that you would typically see on a HUMAN bed.
My mission: Extract the attractive, plump, feathery pillow from the foot of my friend's bed, without disturbing her. I didn't want to be impolite!
Imagine my shock then, when I went to gently drag it off the bed and had the following series of nasty surprises - happening in very quick succession.
1) I couldn't move the pillow very easily because it seemed to be attached to the bed by something alarmingly strong an inelastic.
2) Suddenly the pillow came free and was followed very quickly by a hitherto unnoticed set of claws. In my face.
3) Having managed to recover from this vicious attack, I identified the "cat" and realised that it was he who had been "holding onto" the pillow.
4) I errr "encouraged" him to back the hell off and sought comfort from my friend, not realising that Mephistopheles could do no wrong.
She, rather unfeelingly I thought, explained that it was my own fault for, and I quote, "stealing the cat's pillow".
THE CAT'S PILLOW!?
You see, you see how bloody twisted these creatures are? They manipulate you (you, not me, I ain't falling for that shiz!) that "all ur stuffs are belong to CAT".
Examples:
"Oppressing you? Me? I'm just a cat...*licks balls*"...
Beau was just your average feline I think. He was just a bit ebil but not so ebil that you had any hard proof (even if you did - who could you report it to? I think the RSPCA generally tends to come down in favour of the animal in most circumstances).
It is Beau I have to thank for my introduction to the outside, inside trick. You know the classic, mewing til you let them out, then as soon as you have sat down, whinging to be let in again, only to repeat the whole process over again just as you've got comfy... Simon! You are not alone!
Beau eventually went back to my Nan and must have died at some point although I don't particularly remember mourning for him (sorry!). Either way, he's deffo not here now *looks over shoulder*.
Cue next angel of death...let's call him...errr..."Mephistopheles"... (I should say at this point that the owner of Mephistopheles* is a lovely lovely person but I think she would agree with me that she was comfortable having a sadist for a pet- she was very Goth at the time)...
My issue with this feline daemon was that he was such a c**k and my friend, misty-eyed with affection didn't seem to see it and appeared to value his comfort and well-being over mine. I don't blame my friend at all... I blame the cat.
One day, in my tender pre-teens, I went to stay at this friend's house. We had a fantastic time playing Sylvanian families, painting, dressing-up, making a mess of her parents lovely big house BUT all too soon bedtime, predictably, came around at about 10pm. We didn't mind too much because we were a tuckered out and had been allowed to stay up late anyway (oooo 10pm, rock on!).
I was sleeping on the floor of my friend's room on a little camp bed type thing, with one pillow. Yes. One. Pillow. We got ready for bed and settled down and, within about 5 minutes of trying, unsuccessfully, to support my head by other means, I decided to see if I could see another pillow, within easy reach.
Dilemma.
There was a very comfy looking pillow on the end of my friend's bed. Just waiting for me to pick it up. It looked to me like the kind of pillow that you would typically see on a HUMAN bed.
My mission: Extract the attractive, plump, feathery pillow from the foot of my friend's bed, without disturbing her. I didn't want to be impolite!
Imagine my shock then, when I went to gently drag it off the bed and had the following series of nasty surprises - happening in very quick succession.
1) I couldn't move the pillow very easily because it seemed to be attached to the bed by something alarmingly strong an inelastic.
2) Suddenly the pillow came free and was followed very quickly by a hitherto unnoticed set of claws. In my face.
3) Having managed to recover from this vicious attack, I identified the "cat" and realised that it was he who had been "holding onto" the pillow.
4) I errr "encouraged" him to back the hell off and sought comfort from my friend, not realising that Mephistopheles could do no wrong.
She, rather unfeelingly I thought, explained that it was my own fault for, and I quote, "stealing the cat's pillow".
THE CAT'S PILLOW!?
You see, you see how bloody twisted these creatures are? They manipulate you (you, not me, I ain't falling for that shiz!) that "all ur stuffs are belong to CAT".
Examples:
 |
| Etcetera, etcetera...
FASCISTS!
|
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
To: HRH Prince William, Duke of Cambridge
I'm not being funny or anything but,
What has she got that I haven't got?
We both have arms, we both have legs
But where I've got boobs,
She's got fried eggs!
Oh oh William
You've made a big mistake
I'm meant to be your Princess
But you've gone and married Kate!
I know it's not just you
It's so easy to do
People often get confused
Since we're so similar
And I'm not being nasty or anything but
What has she got that I haven't got?
We're both brunettes, we both like shoes
Even though, I must admit,
My shoes are quite cheap
Since I was banking on the fact
That you would marry me
I know it's not just you
And it IS easy to do
So many get confused
(Even-though-I'm-much-better-looking-and-
Clearly-the-better-choice-
But-don't-worry-you've-made-your-bed-[so-to-speak]-
And-now-your-going-to-have-to-lie-in-it-[humph!]-
And-you're-not-even-really-allowed-to-behead, divorce, split-up-with-her...)
Oh oh William
There's been a gross miscarriage of justice
And frankly I think I'm owed compensation
A simple cheque will do
Just make it out to
Becky "Should-Be-Windsor"
And we'll say no more
About it
I mean, I'm not being funny or anything...
What has she got that I haven't got?
We both have arms, we both have legs
But where I've got boobs,
She's got fried eggs!
Oh oh William
You've made a big mistake
I'm meant to be your Princess
But you've gone and married Kate!
I know it's not just you
It's so easy to do
People often get confused
Since we're so similar
And I'm not being nasty or anything but
What has she got that I haven't got?
We're both brunettes, we both like shoes
Even though, I must admit,
My shoes are quite cheap
Since I was banking on the fact
That you would marry me
I know it's not just you
And it IS easy to do
So many get confused
(Even-though-I'm-much-better-looking-and-
Clearly-the-better-choice-
But-don't-worry-you've-made-your-bed-[so-to-speak]-
And-now-your-going-to-have-to-lie-in-it-[humph!]-
And-you're-not-even-really-allowed-to-
Oh oh William
There's been a gross miscarriage of justice
And frankly I think I'm owed compensation
A simple cheque will do
Just make it out to
Becky "Should-Be-Windsor"
And we'll say no more
About it
I mean, I'm not being funny or anything...
Sunday, 28 October 2012
And this week: Bewbs!
Afternoon Book Clubbers!
This week I am bringing you a review of the critically *cough* acclaimed men's magazine, Nuts.
The 26 October 2012 issue promises an "All-New Danica Shoot!". Danica (is that Dan - icker or Da-neeka - I dunno), according to the text box on her left booby is from "Celeb BB!" (Translation: Celebrity Big Brother). Celebrity?? Don't get too excited girls, they haven't actually shot her - just taken some tasteless and hilariously ill-posed photos of her in, and occasionally not in, tacky underwear.
The first article inside is actually a Skyfall Special. Let's see...we've got an interview with Daniel Craig. Probably the last time we are going to hear from a sophisticated male then. I expect most readers would skip this bit and head straight to da bewbies but I gave it a good once over (look out) - just to critique their interviewing style you understand.
Sigh, compared to other interviews I have seen with Mr. Craig in more reputable publications (namely, Empire) I was sorely disappointed. There aren't even any hot pics of the new Q to take my mind off the crapness of it. The interviewer was clearly also impatient to see Danica's nipples because a six-year-old could have come up with more interesting questions. And it's like they told Daniel - "If you could just be as macho and brainless as possible, that would be great!". Appalling grammar, boring content and - if you could just lower your expectations a little more, I'll turn the page...
Of course no self-respecting spunk rag could include a Skyfall Special without featuring a double page spread of a scantily-clad Bond Girl. They have put in a few pics of the really quite pretty Berenice Marlohe. Check out this accompanying text though, it really made me lol...
"You may not have caught her past classics Pas De Secrets Entre Nous or the TV series Equipe Medicale D'Urgence..."
Of COURSE they haven't "caught" these "classics"..they're in FRENCH! Got a lot of French readers have you Nuts? Got a lot of Francophone readers in your home market? No?? You surprise me.
And get this - Berenice is "maybe surprisingly the sixth oldest [Bond girl] at 33 and definitely one of the hottest". Erm, why do we need to know that she is the sixth oldest? And WHY is it surprising? This stinks of I-couldn't-think-what-to-write-and-was-a-bit-stuck-for-facts-about-this-obscure-actress. There's more Skyfall drivel. Don't bother with it. Just go watch the film. It really is a good movie and this "Special" doesn't do it justice so just go! Gogogogogo...I'll still be here when you get back.
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So - did you like it? Good huh? Back to the mockery...
Nuts News features "8 amazing stratos jump facts". Basically, Nuts are unsurprisingly gay for Baumgartner and this is yet more hero worship of that 'complete twazzock what jumped out a plane'. If it is not already crystal clear what I think of that doughnut - please refer to my rant in my previous blog post.
Oh hey! Did you know "The Chinese zodiac has been bestowing years on arbitrary animals since the Han Dynasty of 203BC"? Oop somebody has wikipeed... What's that Mr Nuts-Reader? You don't care?? They just wrote that to try and introduce an article about Rosie Jones's (whose?) 2013 calendar? Well I suppose there have to be some words...otherwise this "exclusive" is just a load of gratuitous nude pics of another fit unknown.
Up next some piffle and spaff about a video game. Then - oh yeah - THEN they do a double page spread of snippets from Sean Lock's new stand-up show. I have nothing against Sean Lock. He's a funny guy but clearly Nuts were stuck for funny material of their own and had to basically just chav other people's and stick it in as some sort of non-porny filler. I think that's just about the last of the non-titty related stories so let's see what's next...
Hahaha I have just counted how many pages I have left and we are only up to page 24 of 75-odd. (Yeah, I didn't prepare this blog post at all...). Now I realise I would be pushing it to ask for your attention for another 50 pages of textual deconstruction (50 more pages - really!?). So I will just tell you this. Not including the smutty classifieds at the back, I counted no less than 142 pairs of tits from this point in. Most of these are courtesy of Danica and her friends in the poorly named "101 Topless TV Stars!" (...who nobody has ever heard of).
The other articles of note are the problem pages and the confessions - which I shall save for another post because they are just too funny.
One more thing - whoever you girls are who are texting in pics of yourselves in your underwear for the pervs at Nuts to dribble over - STOP IT! It's not sexy okay?
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Silliness| What Rhymes with "Orange"?
So my brother, Pete, challenged me to write a rhyme with the word "Orange"... and then this happened:
Whhhheeeen thhheee
Moon hits your eye like a Satsuma pie that's
Amorange
When a fruit is so dull that you think you might die that's
A borange
Winnie-the-Pooh's favourite fruit? He has such a sweet tooth...its
Eeyorange
If you love fruit so much that you can't get enough ask for
Morange
When you find a big jaffa in charge of a group its
A commodorange
When he calls for attack from his troops at the back he wages
Warange
For the purposes of which i think he has lit some
Nitroglycorange
Its getting quite silly now so I'll just say this please
Rememborange
That all of these words as you clearly can see rhyme with
ORANGE
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