Confessions of a Warhammer Widow

Darling,

My therapist says that I should share the following confessions with you...

1) Sometimes, when I find that blue and yellow plasticine lying around, I like to smush it together and make cute little shapes out of it.

2) I like to peel the paint scabs off of your mixing tiles.

3) Yesterday I hoovered up 4 tiny bits of grey plastic. I'm not sure what they were but they might have been arms...

4) I accidentally spilt my tea on one of your little pages of transfers and ended up transferring some tiny black signs onto the coffee table. Don't worry! The coffee table's fine.

Please love me still!

Becky

An Open Letter to Daniel (Sodding) Bryan

Picture the scene. You're in bed, the lights are low, you've got the music on, you've had a steamy hot shower, you've even done the BIG SHAVE (you know what I'm talking about ladies!). The scene is set for some seeerrioouss Business Time. Sometime later, you hear...

"YES! YES! YES!"

Don't get me wrong, most women would be proud to hear this repeated affirmation and, in other circumstances, I probably would be too. But my Significant Other isn't even in the room!

What's he doing?

Gaying it up over Daniel (Sodding) Bryan.

Giving the unprecedented strength of feeling that my boyfriend has for this (*checks Wikipedia*) "one-time World Heavyweight Champion in WWE", I decided to write a letter of appeal to the man himself...

Here goes:

Brighton

18/07/13

Dear Mr Bryan, 

It has recently come to my attention that you have seemingly won the affections of my long-term Boyfriend by doing nothing more admirable than pretending to fight men in pants. 

Whilst this is not necessarily a reason to blame you for all that is wrong in the world, it is good enough reason - let's face it, I'm a woman, I don't need much of a reason - to have a good ol' whinge about you and that ridiculous "sport" that is WWE (*shudder*). 

I shall now list the detrimental effects that you, Daniel Bryan (nee, Bryan Danielson - I see what you did there with that stage name - very clever!), have had on my lifestyle (with specific but non-explicit reference to the allotted Business Time). 

1) In an effort to convince me that WWE is, and I quote, "genius" I was forced to watch a disturbing scene not even worthy of the worst Eastenders' plot line, in which an old lady gave birth to a hand. A HAND! 

This awful experience is attributed to you because you are the reason my boyfriend wanted to convince me that WWE is, here's that mis-applied word again, "genius". I am now mentally scarred and have lost 12 minutes of my life which I can never get back!

2) I may have been able to recover some semblance of normality if it hadn't been for detrimental effect number 2 - in which my boyfriend seems to have memorialised one of the funniest moments of his life with something that happened while he was watching you. 

During some sort of "intense" pay-per-view wrestling match, he got a little drunk with a bunch of mates and consequently was nearly paralysed when one over-enthusiastic friend "angle-slammed" him (steady). Previously, I was the cause of many of his most humerous memories and he would look at me with such love and laughter in his eyes. 

Now he looks at me with confusion..."you're not Daniel Bryan..." and then resigned tolerance ..."ah well, I suppose at least you do have bewbies...".

3) He has a t-shirt that says "YES! YES! YES!" on it. 

This is courtesy of his friend who went off-list and bought him an unapproved birthday pressie. Tut tut!

4) He wears this t-shirt far too often.

Seriously - he can't go and watch wrestling without it. The one and only time I have seen him iron anything in the last 9 years is when he was so desperate for this tshirt to dry (I had actually managed to get him out of it long enough to wash it) that he used everything he could, including my state-of-the-art hairdryer just so he could wear it to a PPV that night. 

5) People stop in the street to shout "YES! YES! YES!" at him, congratulate him on being "awesome" and share some in-joke about friggin' WWE.

This happened! I know! It's like these wrestling nerds just gravitate towards one another and then slowly take over your whole town and eventually, your life!

6) I nearly lost him at an Iron Maiden gig when same friend as in number 2 tried another wrestling move on him in the mosh pit which nearly resulted in him crowd-surfing 100,000 people, which I would NOT have been pleased about - although he would have found it awesome I'm sure.

7) He's not shaving as often as he used to.

I'm okay with him having a beard. I've gotten used to it. He would have grown it whether I liked it or not so I've had to suck it up (not literally - eww!) but it's getting a little long now, and having Wikipedia'd you, I'm starting to wonder whether he isn't inspired by your abundant facial hair. 

He'd better not be copying yo' face!

8) He thinks it's funny to make references to WWE at inappropriate times.

He actually thinks it's pretty comical to make references to anything I hate at inappropriate times. And I'm not a hateful person but there is a list (quite a heavily South Park-related list) of jokes/ voices/ accents which I would respectfully ask him not to do in my presence but which he, disrespectfully, ignores at every opportunity.

9) He keeps saying "shuck ducky qua...(oh wait - that's for my letter to that other wrestler...)

10) I worry that he loves you more than me :'-(

I didn't even hear about you from him, I heard from his best friend (waaah). 

In light of the above detrimental effects that your on-air representation has had on my personal home life, I would seek to be compensated as follows...

- that you ruin your reputation in favour of Stone Cold

- that you encourage my Boyfriend to adore Stone Cold instead and, if possible,

- that you cause my Boyfriend to desire Stone Cold's inclusion in our relationship on a casual basis because him, I can accept and even appreciate (on a purely biological level, you understand).

I look forward to seeing Stone Cold at Business Time next Wednesday evening from 8pm. 

Unkind regards, 

Becky

***DISCLAIMER***

I would really appreciate it if you didn't sue me but I was semi-serious about the Stone Cold thing - he pwns you!

I TOUCHED JUSTIN HAWKINS' BUM!

I am never washing again *girlish sigh*.

Yes, apologies for my absence and welcome to March. Apparently March "comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb...". God knows where this saying comes from. If I could be bothered I'd wiki it for you but meh...let's just agree that it's a weird saying. Clearly this phrase hails from those halcyon days of yesteryear when all was rosy and sunny and golden, when March actually did signal the start of spring. These things I think this old adage is probably more applicable to June!

That's right - I'm still depressed about winter. Hence the absence. I've been hibernating!

AAaaaanyway...Justin Hawkins' Bum...

Mmhmmm, yeah, I touched it! Woop!

How/ Why/Where/etc?

Well last Thursday night, I took some time off from hibernating to go and see The Darkness at the Hammersmith Apollo in London. They are touring their new album "Hot Cakes". I hadn't heard any of the latest stuff until the gig but I have to say it was very catchy. Apparently they are trying to get back to their "Permission to Land" sound because they feel that the second album was "a bit over-produced". From where I was standing though - it was all gooooood!

Admittedly my discerning *cough* musical ear was somewhat disengaged because my attention was drawn to the rude little trail of hair beneath Justin Hawkins' bellybutton. He was sporting a rather fetching stripy, full-length leotard with the front cut out revealing his ripped torso - mmmm.

Ahhemhemhem...I am sorry,this post seems to have taken a bit of a 50shades turn! You know it's weird - Justin 10 years ago...not that hot. Justin now...well...

Above: Old Justin = Not Hot, Below: New Justin = Yummy!

I nicked these photos off of Google - please don't sue me!

Suffice to say - when he jumped onto his brother's (I think) shoulders mid-song, and got him to gallop around the arena with Justin on his back and several heavies from the Apollo security team following after, doing their best to make sure that no-one has any cause to sue, I was among the many screaming women trying to claw their way towards him.

Fortunately, they ran right past where I was standing and, before I knew it, I'd slapped his sweaty, lycra-clad bum.

That, my friends, is Rock 'n' Roll!

See ya later Amigos!

Becky



P.S. Gimme a shout if, when someone mentions "Justin" to you, you think Hawkins and not Timberlake. Also - have you heard the new Darkness album? What do you think?

The things they say...

Why I love my friend Amy...

Me: You have one of those mouths that naturally turns down at the corners - it's very pouty (nice I know).

Amy: *Makes a pouty face...*

Me: I'm serious - I have one of those mouths that's just straight - from the side, you can never tell if I'm smiling or not *turns to the side and grins*.

Amy: Mmhmm yeah...you have a mouth like one of those penises that's so big - you can't tell if it's up or down.

Me: *silence*